Aaron Draplin


It’s 1861 and you’re leaving home to fight in a war. You have room for one snack in your gunnysack. What do you bring?

I’d do a two-fer. In the gunnysack would be as much of the saddest, hardest, barely-edigble hard tack I can cram in there. That shit lasts a long time. Both summer and winter months.

In keeping with the period, I’d keep my beard slathered with bacon grease. To ward off mosquitos, and as a little snack in between battles. You could suck the beard for a little snack. This actually happened. Look it up. And for the record, the North won.

It’s 1908 and your dad brings home the first car you’ve ever seen. He tells you to jump in. What snack do you bring on your first car ride?

My Dad told stories about “candy bars being four times as big” back in the day. He would’ve been referencing the early ‘50s. And this is still forty years before his time? Whoa. So damn, imagine a chocolate bar back in 1908? Sonofabitch was probably the size of two-by-four! I’d just go with an American classic, a good ol’ Hershey Bar.

Or, hell, maybe some kind of weird anise candy? My Gramma Josie was born in 1908 and loved anise candy. So gross. She’d push that on us in the Detroit summers of my youth. They were wrapped in a red wrapper. Don’t know why I’m telling you this.

It’s 1969 and you’re sitting cross-legged on a shag carpet, watching the moon landing on TV. Which snack fills the large plastic bowl in front of you?

Hard to say. I know what I’d be washing it down with! Fuckin’ Tang. The color palette on that one alone has our heart forever.

It’s New Year’s Eve 1999 and the threat of Y2K is looming. Which snack do you use to calm your nerves?

A cold Coke and some sort of chip product. Probably Doritos. Wait, what’s that? Do I sense pretentious grumbling? Oh, sorry, Portland! Too “Plaid Pantry” for you? We’re talking 1999 here, so you can suck it.

It’s 2014 and you’re writing an email. What are you putting into your face?

Beef jerky. Big fan of the Jack Link stuff. Only because it’s consistent. Jerky taste can wildly vary from jerk to jerk. Oh yeah, and lately, some “sad snacks” too. Shit like carrots and celery. Dare I say, uh, healthy stuff? Nothing a little bit of peanut butter won’t put an end to.