An Open Letter to the Children of South Duxbury, Massachusetts

By Dr. Herb Murphy, DDS

Dr. Herb Murphy, DDS lives and practices dentistry in South Duxbury. He was laughing maniacally when he dropped off this editorial.

You win.

I’ve had enough.

Enough of the T.P. Enough of the eggs. Enough of the flaming bags of dog dirt on the front porch.

I was only trying to help. I was only trying to help you make it through Halloween without needing a root canal.

But no. One house out of hundreds gives you a toothbrush and a travel-size box of floss and your immediate response is retaliation. Well, I’m not going to fight anymore. From now on, things are going to be different.

This Halloween, COME ON DOWN to the Murphy household at 480 Pinewood Lane!

Where I’ve got a whole living room full of full-size candy bars.

And a basement full of soda cans.

And I’ve even called the Domino sugar factory. On the 31st, they’re bringing a dump truck’s worth of refined sugar and pouring it all over the front yard.

You see, I’ve changed. You’ve broken me. I no longer care about your teeth. I don’t even care about the general state of dental hygiene. This Halloween, I’m going to let you think you’ve beaten me. But these sweets are not my surrender. They are my investment.

An investment in your tooth decay. An investment in your cavities. An investment in your suffering.

As you enjoy my sugary bounty every year, I will slowly syphon the money out of your parents’ bank accounts. Cavities add up. And once I’ve patched and capped every tooth in South Duxbury, I’ll take my money and move somewhere where dental health is appreciated.

And you’ll all be screwed.

Some may ask why I’ve detailed my entire plan in this public forum. They may think that my plan could be easily thwarted by simply skipping my house. Well, I’m not concerned. You won’t be able to pass us by. For you see, there is no match for the power of a full-size candy bar on Halloween.

Make sure you bring a bigger sack this year, kids.

You’re gonna need it.