Casey Hall has been an absolute monster for thirty consecutive Halloweens. His favorite treats were anything that oozed candy blood.
Hello everyone, I’m security supervisor Bonett. I’d like to welcome the incorporated streets of this housing development to our annual emergency pre-Halloween meeting.
To start, I’d just like to say amazing work everyone. This year’s decorations are above and beyond. I have seen things in your front lawns that I never thought I would see outside of my deepest, darkest fears. Just stepping outside to pick up my morning paper has become an absolutely harrowing journey.
Deputy supervisor Tilley is handing out this year’s list of objectionable candy and all known aliases. Now these are definitely not treats, they are known to have chemical dyes, political connections, or carry value as sexual vouchers. So you wanna keep two eyes on every pail, sack and pocket for this contraband.
First up is a sour rope from Spett’s Candies, also known as pucker, puck, the p-tip, just the tip, prickly prick and big pink cock.
Then there’s licorice swizzlers, aka Miss Swizz, Swizz Beats, S as in snake and sweet potatoes.
Fruit nougats, or as your kids might know them, nuke cat, hot pussy, microwave Mittens, viral videos and chunky bullshit.
Chocolate Mummy, aka dust butt or King Homenthotep says what?
Sweeties, alias BFFFs, gluten free emojis and grandpa’s teeth.
Candy cigarettes are big one, which is what some kids are calling e-cigarettes filled with Kool-Ade.
Also some kind of tangy gel called Zlime, aka bug guts, ghost nuts, did I stut-stut-stutter, speech impediment, and simply “zlube.”
Wilson’s Nutbar, also known as ugly, stupid, loser candy.
Cinnamon Canonballs, sometimes called burners, burn outs, a trip to the mall food court, or your mom’s cousin in Buffalo.
Peanut chocolate drops, on the street they’re called cho-pee, nut-cho, and roundy good goods.
Sugar bag, aka swag bag, hashtag, humble brag, or Smile King, which we believe to be a reference to a reputable dentist in the Henderville.
This is the first year wax lips have made the list, now known as plumpers, plumber, the Polish King of Chicago, Stacey the sandwich artist, and boner vibes.
And finally, Autumn Mix, also known as candy scorn, beelzebub’s jujubes, unwanted babies, shitty handfuls, fall season spoilers, sad nuggets, four kinds of butt, ack, ick, urp, furp, barf, Bart, dad bait, aquarium decorations, sugar enemas, tiny nightmares, holiday candle jars, science projects, opposite treats, or, so shitty they’re probably you’re parents and that explains why you turned out that way.
If you find any of these, we ask that you bring them to the security supervisor’s booth so we can dispose of them properly.
Thank you all for coming, and remember, a fun Halloween is a safe and respectful Halloween.
Help yourself to spider cookies and punch in the back.