Emory Allen


You’re standing outside a 7-11 when the aliens land. They can only survive on Earth for 2 minutes and you only have 2 dollars. What snack do you buy to teach them about humanity and provide sustenance for their long journey home?

Slim Jims because “Macho Man” Randy Savage shout talking “Snap into a Slim Jim” will teach them everything they need to know about humanity.

You’ve been counting for months and finally your baby daughter has enough teeth to chew a chip. Which chip do you choose to start her human snacking experience?

French fries along with a pamphlet called “Weird Things British People Say.”

You’re a rebel and you’ve just won the war. What do you and your comrades munch on together as a free people?

Three of my closest rebel buddies and I will share a Kit Kat. It won’t be until years later that a scholar recognizes the Kit Kat as perfect symbolism for how we broke free from our oppressive bonds.

You’re 10 years old and you mom has asked you to clean your room one too many times so you’re running away. There’s enough change in your piggy bank and enough space in your bindle to bring one snack into your new life. What do you buy down at the general store?

Cheetos and I’ll live out of a crawl space in my house that I’ve prepared just for this. For years, I’ll drive my mom crazy making her wonder how orange streaks keep appearing all over her furniture. Ironically, I’ll keep my crawl space very clean.

You’re up in the club and you’ve just fallen in love. But in the morning, for reasons you’ll never fully understand, he or she will be gone. What snack will you buy at the corner store before you Uber back to your place? What snack will you pair with the the one that gets away?

I’ll buy Twix for myself and through a mouthful of chocolate, caramel, and tears, I’ll mumble quietly to no one in particular “Two for me, none for you.”