Eric Nyffeler

You’re standing outside a 7-11 when the aliens land. They can only survive on Earth for 2 minutes and you only have 2 dollars. What snack do you buy to teach them about humanity and provide sustenance for their long journey home?

I would buy them two dollars worth of Banana Laffy Taffy, which will teach them that no matter what you do, half of the people in the world will hate you and half of the people would be willing to die for you.

You’ve been counting for months and finally your baby daughter has enough teeth to chew a chip. Which chip do you choose to start her human snacking experience?

I will buy her one bag of crunchy Cheetos and one bag of puffy Cheetos. The entirety of the rest of her life will be shaped by which she prefer

You’re a rebel and you’ve just won the war. What do you and your comrades munch on together as a free people?

Pizza is the official snack of freedom

You’re 10 years old and you mom has asked you to clean your room one too many times so you’re running away. There’s enough change in your piggy bank and enough space in your bindle to bring one snack into your new life. What do you buy down at the general store?

I’d probably buy a single tube of Pringles. No one has ever turned down a Pringle and they would surely make a wonderful bartering tool with all of my fellow hobos.

You’re up in the club and you’ve just fallen in love. But in the morning, for reasons you’ll never fully understand, he or she will be gone. What snack will you buy at the corner store before you Uber back to your place? What snack will you pair with the the one that gets away?

There is no food more desperate, pathetic, and utterly hopeless than a corner store hotdog cooked on a roller machine.

Pizzatheist final