Stacey Rozich

You’re standing outside a 7-11 when the aliens land. They can only survive on Earth for 2 minutes and you only have 2 dollars. What snack do you buy to teach them about humanity and provide sustenance for their long journey home?

Of course Nacho Cheese Doritos. These perfectly capture the human love of cheesy, salty, onion powder-blasted anything. The tortilla chip has a satisfying crunch that makes you feel like you’re eating something more substantial. I hope they’ll have some sort of Intergalactic space cooler back on board because those chips can create a mighty thirst.

You’ve been counting for months and finally your baby daughter has enough teeth to chew a chip. Which chip do you choose to start her human snacking experience?

I would have to start slowly, as to not bomb her tastebuds quite yet so I would choose the delicacy that is Ruffles (with the Ridges!) Potato Chips. Besides being kind of a salt bomb, they’re the perfect vehicle for dips which of course is a well documented fact that all babies love. If my parents are around, there will definitely be a bowl of sour cream and onion dip to start her off right.

You’re a rebel and you’ve just won the war. What do you and your comrades munch on together as a free people?

If there was ever a crucial time for a pizza party, this would be it.

You’re 10 years old and you mom has asked you to clean your room one too many times so you’re running away. There’s enough change in your piggy bank and enough space in your bindle to bring one snack into your new life. What do you buy down at the general store?

10 year old me was an incorrigible candy hound so I would count my pennies out to buy some tropical Skittles or Tart n’ Tiny’s (which are discontinued but apparently making a comeback!). I can already see little me rafting down the Columbia river happily sucking away on tiny compressed sugar powder nugs.

You’re up in the club and you’ve just fallen in love. But in the morning, for reasons you’ll never fully understand, he or she will be gone. What snack will you buy at the corner store before you Uber back to your place? What snack will you pair with the the one that gets away?

I know I’ll feel really bad about myself about whatever I consumed the night before to get me in this present state so I’m sure I’ll grab a Kind bar to pretend I’m being healthy before I inevitably visit Del Taco later.