Julian Glander


You’re shooting your Tinder profile selfie and you definitely think that in it, you should be holding a snack. Which snack and why?

A Japanese rarity–maybe a green tea Kit Kat. When a potential suitor asks me if I got it in Japan, I reply “No. I never leave my house. I get monthly snack shipments via my Amazon Prime account.” Hook, line and sinker.

You’re on a first date and she/he desperately needs to stop in this 7-11 to grab a little something before drinks. What little something will make the date? And what will break it?

Make it: rolling-display hot dogs with our initials written in mustard. Awwwww you shouldn’t have!
Break it: the 7/11 cashier’s severed finger in a hot dog bun. You really shouldn’t have!

You’re on a second date at the movies and he/she goes to get snacks and you ask he/she to surprise you. But it’s a terrible surprise. What did he/she bring you?

Unbuttered, unsalted popcorn. What am I, a baby? I’m getting into a huff just thinking about it. Check, please!

The two of you are spending your first long weekend together. What fine munchable do you bring to the bedroom to keep the fires burning?

There’s an obvious answer here, and I’m not afraid to use it: Hot Cheetos, Valentine conversation hearts and Monster Energy, mixed to oblivion in an industrial blender. The Greeks used it as an aphrodisiac all the time, but they had to make it with a mortar and pestle.

You’re being proposed to and the ring is at the bottom of a bag of chips. What kind of chips does you fiancĂ©e know will seal the deal?

Hypothetical: my gal puts the ring in a bag of Cape Cods. I WILL drain these chips, no question about it. But she underestimates me. I’m so hungry I pour the entire bag into my mouth. I choke on the ring and die. RIP Julian Glander. Way to go, Snacks Quarterly, you killed me.