David Schwen


You and Albert Einstein are planning a weeklong road trip across the American Southwest. What snack do you pack in your little Coleman cooler?

Being that Al was German, and I am mostly German, I would pack a cooler filled with some decadent German chocolates as well as a couple boots filled with beer. I’m not sure beer qualifies as a snack, but in this dream-like scenario I think I can get away with it.

It’s game night at Emily Dickinson’s house and you can’t show up empty-handed. What’s your move?

Since Emily likes words and I like a good bad joke, I would share a bag of Laffy Taffys with the ol’Em’ D. I feel like it would get her out of her shell a bit and loosen her up

It’s Thomas Edison’s office party and you’ve signed up to bring cups and snacks. How are you going to take this get-together to the next level?

The only way to bring a real party to Thomas Edison, Inc. is to bring some red party cups and ping pong balls to get the beer pong going. The other snack of choice would be a bucket of cheese balls for the classic game of “see-if-you-can-throw-a-cheese-ball-in-someone-else’s-mouth-from-twenty-feet-away.”

You and Frida Kahlo have been walking around for two hours, trying to decide where to eat and now you are hangry. What do you snack on so you don’t bite each other’s heads off?

Whenever Frida and I go on walks, we always make sure we are close to the local food trucks. We both are very terrible people to be around when the hangriness sets in. If we are too far away from our favorite restaurant, we will stop at the cupcake food truck—picking up two cupcakes that are connected by an edible unibrow.

Ernest Hemingway is stuck at home, waiting for the cable guy, and he needs you to bring him something to munch on. What do you grab on your way over?

Not many people know this, but Ernie’s biggest weakness is a bag of Pirate’s Booty Cheese Puffs. Since the cable guy is supposed to show up between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 p.m., I will be sure to bring him three bags.