Look into your heart. Which snack loves you the most?
Fritos. They’ll always, always love me but I can’t always love them back. My heart wants to but my gut says to slow down. Plus my wife despises the way they smell. It’s a unique relationship (between the Fritos, not my wife).
Which snack despises you? Why do you think that is?
If we’re still considering relationships with snacks, probably cheese curds. That would be because I had a brief fling with them before I went vegan. It was magic while it lasted. Now they’re probably pissed I don’t rave about them anymore but I’m way better off without them. Whatever.
Which snack is protective towards you?
I have to go with radishes. Good for my digestion. Good for my snacking self-esteem. Cut them up and sprinkle a little salt. It’s a family thing. They take excellent care of me.
Which snack misses you?
Definitely circus animal cookies. See: “vegan” above, only this was a real, true love. I had to turn my back and it hurt. I’m surprised Mother’s is still in business without me. Oh, and giant convenience store pickles from the jar! I bet they miss me. I don’t get them anymore because I don’t want to die of salt poisoning.
Which snack thinks you could do better?
Is it right?
Soda thinks I can do better. It doesn’t think diet sodas are good enough for me. And it is right. I shouldn’t drink either.